My First TikTok Post & Reflections on Being Seen

Last week I made my very first TikTok post. Needless to say, it felt awkward. But then, kinda a little fun. Probably why I made a few more. Mind you, I've had the account for years. I wasn't a lurker. Just didn't really use it. After once spending waaaay too long just in the continuous consumption loop, I had to say no. I actually don't let any social media send me notifications, I get on when I choose. You not going to tell me what to do.

I'm not dancing, I'm not teaching, I'm not selling—I'm just talking and seeing if anybody will talk back. When you've spent years just on the outside of social media (maybe I'm lazy), this can feel like a whole lot of work and almost inauthentic at times.

I did start to think, this is way easier than writing a blog... but then... maybe I'm not so lazy because here I am. I don't fear the scrutiny as much as I think it's a bit of vanity for me to just talk about myself and demand to be seen.

But maybe that's allowed. It feels more like I'm creating a living record of just existing.

We're about a month out from the 6th anniversary of my mother's passing, and there are so many things I wish I had of her. Her voice, her stories, her laugh, her kisses, her memories of me before I knew myself. She was my historian, and it's just another layer to the loss.

My first birthday after she passed was so horrible. I kept thinking (and maybe I'm not phrasing this well), but who am I if the one who knows my origin is gone? Morose, I know, but perhaps these videos will be something for my child to have when I'm eventually gone. (So that went left real quick 👀)

Aside from that, I understand the world we currently live in is run with the currency of being seen. To get where I'd like to be in this next chapter, I'm going to have to sacrifice some anonymity, but maybe not much (😅 the odds are not in my favor).

And of course, I tried to make a funny video and found out that's a lot of work for my awkward-ass self (like, I see why creators want to monetize—this has full-time job vibes). And would you believe somebody took the time out of their day to not only be mad about a random video from this big nobody (me) but to write a comment to let me know? 😂😂😂😂😂

Like honestly, you could have gone and wasted your time on these people's internet some other way. Don't be mad on my behalf.

Anywho, TikTok, I'm on it.